excerpt 1: Default to Goodness

“How terribly insecure I was! I felt almost that I had to apologize for living.

Being invisible would have been a true blessing!

If a man paid for my dinner, I felt obligated to sleep with him; I believed that I did not have the right to refuse. I owed him. Not to have sex with him would be immoral!

Decades later, I completely understood my behavior. My mother permitted me no boundaries. I was never allowed to disagree with her, nothing could ever be discussed. She was the overbearing general, and I was the weak, terrified foot soldier. Nancy felt no restraints on her power—or what I owed her as an obedient daughter.

Weeks later in New York City, I lost my virginity to Noah on a large, heated waterbed behind blood-red padded leather doors in a closed wing of Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital on First Avenue.

After fucking, he told me that he felt like he had been through a meat grinder!

Noah had an amphetamine-addicted roommate who shared his East 24th Street apartment. Both were dental students at New York University and had easy access to Bellevue.

[for the indie film]

[Carl Orff’s Carmina Burana]


Other lovers from the 1970s…

The married French radiologist, Pierre, with the severe features of a Christian Schad portrait, whose patients included many celebrities and Manhattan socialites.

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